Once upon a time in the life of a toddler…

He wakes at 5:20am most mornings and refers to his handbook passed down from toddlers who have come before him. Item number one, screaming for Mummy:

‘MUMMA, MUMMA, GET UP! GET ME, COME IN!!’

The lucky Daddy never has this problem (funny that) and continues to get his sleep. The little toddler thinks to himself ‘oh Mummy will think I am oh so sweet because when I wake up my  first thought is of her!’

The day ahead would be a fun packed one and the toddler wondered what mischief he could get up to, to keep Mummy on her toes – after all she doesn’t work now so he must help to keep her brain active. He turns to his handbook to seek advice…

Oh, it’s ok because the night before without anyone noticing, the toddler had posted Peppa through the cat flap yet again. Mummy opens the door to let Molly dog out and she spots Peppa laying face down on the patio, soaking wet (yes please laugh at this imagining it’s the real one! wahahaha).

‘Good good’ the toddler thinks to himself, that’s one extra job for Mummy today.

After breakfast, which must be marlade (marmalade) on toast and nothing else, unless Mummy ever gives in to his chocolate request, Mummy has her washing to do. She needs a wee before she puts it on, so the toddler decides to give a helping hand; having read that as one of the items required by a new toddler.

He starts by trying to load the machine:

The child locks Mummy and Daddy bought are not at all childproof anymore, so the little lad simply unlocks it and opens the cupboard with all the ‘bad’ bottles and proceeds to try and fill the washing machine drawer with powder. For some reason, Mummy doesn’t seem happy with his efforts- maybe because the kitchen now looks like it has been snowing!

The next big task for Mummy is to empty the bin. ‘Aha another opportunity to help’ the little lad thinks:

Those bin bags did not taste very nice though.

Once Mummy has tidied up again, she decides it is time for some learning.

Mummy keeps trying to teach her toddler how to count, he looks at her very confused as he cannot understand why she keeps getting it wrong?!

Mummy: 1,2,3

Toddler: Gooooo!

Mummy: No, 1, 2, 3

Toddler: Goooo!

Mummy: No hunny, you count it after me. Repeat it. 1, 2, 3

Toddler: (Mummy is silly) Gooooo!

The toddler is very pleased with himself, but cannot understand Mummy’s frustration. He opens his handbook and reads:

‘Mummy’s and Daddy’s get very confused, it is up to you to teach them the correct way of doing things. Repeat until they learn.’

Good that’s helped him to get a better understanding of adulthood.

The next task for the day is a trip to the shops in the car… OR to dinosaur land!

Toddler: Mumma a Gogosaur!

Mummy: Is there? Where?

Toddler: There, it’s coming! Big Gorgosaur

Mummy: Really whereabouts?

Toddler: There, look Mumma, there, it’s real, big, Gorgosaur. It’s coming. Car!

Mummy: It’s coming at the car?!

Toddler: Yeah!!

They arrive at the shop and the toddler is being such a good boy that Mummy decides to let him walk and act like a really grown up boy. He does well walking around and helping to put things in the basket, but when there is a queue at the till the wait is all too much for the tiny lad and he runs off up and down the aisles. Mummy looks worried but laughs when he keeps appearing, so he knows everything is ok. He grabs a very large packet of toilet roll and leans back to throw it across the aisle at some people – surely they would find this funny?! Mummy suddenly shouts:

‘NO!’

The toddler just does not listen, so leaving the shopping, Mummy runs over to stop her toddler but slips on the floor and lands right on her bottom!! Mummy is not at all happy and for some reason all the other people just stare… the toddler looks very upset and puts the toilet roll back. He opens his handbook and reads:

‘when toddlers fall down someone is always there to pick them up and it’s ok to cry when it hurts. When adults fall down others usually just stare and snigger. It’s not ok to cry about this as an adult, it is seen as embarrassing.’

Back at home and Mummy really needs a cup of tea. The toddler’s favourite person in the whole wide world pops in; Auntie Jen. The toddler gets so excited when she walks in and jumps all over her head, messes up her hair and makes her play – he knows she loves it!!! Once settled he makes a beeline for her bag. Out comes the purse and she hands him 2p. The toddler looks up at her, then back in the purse. He spots a £2 coin and replaces his 2p with it and says ‘there, done’ with a cheeky smile on his face. Silly Auntie Jen trying to fob the toddler off with a mere 2p coin! The handbook does say that adults try to treat toddlers like idiots sometimes, when in fact they are very clever and crafty.

All the excitement get’s too much for the little toddler and when the world seems so big and stressful there is only one solution:

11422668_10153366068144889_5095982233584217875_o Not one but TWO dummies!!!! Double the relaxing power.

Once he feels better he helps his Auntie with her daily stretches:

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He really is such a helpful boy!! That’s it Jen get that head lower!

As Mummy and Auntie Jen talk louder and louder (because Peppa bloody pig is blaring out), the toddler begins to get annoyed and shouts ‘stop!!’ at them both. When this doesn’t work there seems to be only one option:

He covers his ears and hopes they now get the message!!

They then all take Molly dog for a lovely walk at the park. It’s been pretty wet and muddy and the toddler cannot understand Mummy being annoyed, he was sure that doing the washing was one of her favourite hobbies? She seems to do it an awful lot!

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Back at home and whilst Mummy is cleaning up and doing her fun washing, the little boy decides the house could do with a lick of paint. Now he see’s Mummy ‘painting’ her face every day and if it’s good enough for her it must be good enough for the home, surely?! He carefully draws lovely red lines on the walls with a lip liner, then paints the white laminate floor with black mascara. ‘Looks good’ he thinks to himself and promptly calls his Mummy to come and admire his masterpiece.

He checks his handbook and it definitely says that all toddlers should draw on the walls at some point. Tick!

He still cannot understand his Mummy not being happy and why she starts to sigh, she doesn’t seem to like his artwork at all… never mind, maybe Daddy will when he gets in from work.

Toddler: ‘Daddy, home, please?’

Mummy: ‘Not yet hun, he’s at…’

Toddler: ‘Work’

Mummy: ‘To get the…’

Toddler: ‘MONEY!’

Mummy: ‘That’s right, sweetie’

So whilst Mummy cleans up the drawings with her ‘magic wipes’ the toddler finds something else to keep himself amused…’Hmmmm’ he thinks to himself, ‘what does Mummy like to play with?’

‘Oh, I know, she has these stickers she plays with every month, I will go and find those!’

‘Now how do you get to the sticker bit?!!!’

Once he has finished playing with Mummy’s ‘stickers’ it is time to have chill out time and watch a fab film. The toddler loves that one with the little boy and has nailed his impression!

12244505_10206541914800044_5645408626795484186_o

Once the film is finished the toddler is ever so tired but Mummy says it’s too late to nap. He doesn’t understand why he isn’t allowed to nap if he is tired, so again he turns to his handbook which states:

‘Adults try and stop you napping so you go to bed on time. This is so silly, you are tired now and of course you want to stay up late once Daddy gets home. Have a major tantrum to show them how serious you are, they may well give in!’

‘Hmmmm, it’s worth a try ‘ the toddler thinks to himself, so he throws himself on the floor and screams and shouts, just as the handbook describes. When crying doesn’t seem to work he gives up and has cuddles – it’s exhausting having meltdowns! But when the question comes up about what he wants for dinner Mummy insists that the answer is the same for dinner as it was for lunch and breakfast:

‘No chocolate for a main meal’

The toddler has been told this too many times today to be able to cope so tantrums again and this time he goes bright red.

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He calms down and tries asking for chocolate again. Maybe Mummy will look into his sweet blue eyes and agree this time… She doesn’t. Strop number 3 hits the household and Mummy walks away to make another cuppa and to have a breather. Mummy drinks an awful lot of tea these days!

As a treat Mummy decides they should pop out and get a takeaway. The toddler is very happy with this as his main food source at the moment are chicken nuggets!

On the drive back they have a little chat:

Toddler: Mummy, moon!
Mummy: Yes hunny, up in the sky
Toddler: In sky
Toddler: Bye bye
Mummy: Who are you saying goodbye to?
Toddler: Moon
Mummy: Ahhh OK, that’s nice
Toddler: Oh, another one
Mummy: Another what baby?
Toddler: Moon!!! There it is
Mummy: Oh that’s so funny, there is just one moon baby
Toddler: One. Moon. Sky. Bye bye moon

Mummy’s heart just melts.

Back home the dinner is eaten but now it’s time to get ready for bed. The toddler refers to his handbook:

‘The end of the day is when Mummy thinks she wants a rest and a glass of wine. What she really wants is lots of cuddles with you, she just doesn’t know how to say it. You must make her realise this by trying to stay up and not to get ready for bed’.

He is so pleased with this handbook, what wisdom previous toddlers had.

So the next 15 minutes is spent with chasing and laughter, hiding and escaping and generally avoiding Mummy trying to catch her little boy to put pyjamas on. It goes so well until he is caught and then an almighty tantrum erupts. By this point both Mummy and toddler are exhausted but neither are giving in. Mummy finally wins and is huffing and puffing when Daddy walks in the door.

The toddler immediately stops his tantrum, yells ‘Daddy!’ at the top of his voice and transforms into an angel child. The Daddy cannot understand why Mummy looks so red in the face, why her hair is a mess and why there is such an annoyed look on her face. Daddy thinks the toddler is a star and it must be so much fun to be at home playing with him all day.

The toddler loves to make Daddy laugh so picks up Mummy’s booby cover and runs around yelling ‘BOOBIES!!!!!!!’ Oh he is such a funny little boy.

The handbook tells the toddler to repeatedly ask for Peppa Pig before bed – it helps to distract the parent’s attention away from the actual time and keep a toddler up longer.

Daddy gives in, he hasn’t had to listen to all the kid’s TV all day so he doesn’t mind. Mummy goes to pour her wine and put on her TV show with all the teenagers who get it on an awful lot and lots of things always seem to explode!

Mummy then runs herself a bath and asks Daddy to keep an eye on the toddler so she can relax. The toddler sneaks past his Dad on his phone and climbs the stairs to help Mummy in the bath just as she does with him. He immediately spots one big problem – Mummy has forgotten her toys!!! Silly Mummy, bath time is meant to be fun. Mummy keeps insisting that she doesn’t need the toys but the toddler knows best and continues to throw every single one in to make Mummy happy. ‘There, done’ he announces with a huge smile on his face. He is sure he has done a very good job.

After a very fun filled day, helping Mummy with the housework, decorating the house, helping Auntie Jen with her stretches and being an all round fun toddler, Peppa finally gets him to wind down and relax and before he knows it his eyes are getting heavy and he’s in a lovely sound sleep… for how long? Who knows… After all, the handbook does state that waking at least once a night is a must.

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* All true stories documented in the first 2 years of my toddler’s life

Em xx

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